I’ve had a realisation recently. Which shouldn’t really be a realisation because it’s quite obvious. But anyway, it’s one of those thoughts that just dawns on you suddenly, which was always there but you just didn’t listen until now.
The truth is I have been wondering where to go with our music, with Kalandra. I have songs, which points me in the weird-fun-raw-epic, but perhaps excluding to some listeners, direction. The other points me in the commercial, not so much fun, but perhaps useful, and perhaps money-making-putting-food-on-the-table-pay-my-rent-and-my-massive-mortage direction. Objectively there’s no right or wrong direction here. Everyone must choose what he or she is most comfortable with. Everyone has an opinion, but no one can really tell me what to do. I ask people, but then I don’t really want their answers. Silly really. I’m standing here waiting for someone to tell me which bus to take, and making sure that I am taking the right bus, yet I know there is no such thing because it doesn’t exist. I feel like I’m Neo choosing which pill to take in the Matrix.
We recently moved to Oslo, Norway, back to our motherland. It was time for change after living in Liverpool for 5 years. I was feeling restless. I’m not a very patient person, unfortunately. We laid down a plan that we thought would make us more accessible and adaptable to the music scene in Oslo and to the Norwegian market. I know every musician or artist faces this issue. I was at a point where I was feeling a little desperate. I need to put food on the table and I felt the responsibility to provide for my band mates who’s also invested a lot of time and energy into this band. However, lately the driving passion has started to diminish.
This is when I had a bit of a revelation. Recently, three well-respected and original human beings passed away; Lemmy, David Bowie and Alan Rickman. Gone. Turns out, legends aren’t immortal after all. I was looking out my window at the people passing by outside in the snow. Life is too short to fit in. I’m already feeling quite uninspired and tired. I just need to open my eyes and pull myself together. I need to watch myself so I’m not getting in the danger of pleasing everyone else around me – including my own mother! Nobody likes a pushover.
Here’s the truth: if I believe it, you’ll believe it because it’s true. Boom! Obvious really. But I’ve always been scared of going all out, because I get so terribly let down and depressed if it should all go tits up. But then again “you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well do something that you love” – Jim Carrey.
And everyone gets hurt! Boom! Another revelation. Every. Single. Person. Gets. Hurt. And it will happen again. And. Again. And. Again. Stop protecting yourself from it! It’s all about how we learn to cope with it.
If I really really give it my everything and 100% of who I am and what I stand for, there is nothing to fear, I couldn’t possibly fail. I’ll be true to who I am and everyone around me. Also, another truth is, I’m a bit of a nutcase actually, and possibly a bit manic – I need to use it for what it’s worth! I have a wonderful tool here to create the music I always had inside my head.
There will be struggles, don’t get me wrong, but at least I’m on the right path for me. I stopped to let that revelation sink in… cause I almost wasted my time here. I almost slipped and took the blue pill. Close call.
Here’s to 2016 and beyond!